♫ money, money, money.... MON-EY ♫

It’s day four. That means we made it through the historically terrible day three unscathed, our bodies are free of nicotine, and the physical addiction is gone. Now it’s just the mental habit that needs to be broken!

I’ve kept a brave face this time, not being overly talkative about how difficult of a time I’m actually having, but it’s been rough. Nick is having a tough time too, and I have a lot of coworkers that smoke. Since I don’t want to deter Nick, and I don’t want to sound self-righteous,  I’ve been trying to be as chipper as possible. They’re all probably starting to wonder who this weirdo is that’s inhabited my body, but no matter, I’ll just keep talking too much and too fast, clicking my pens, and chomping away at my candy when the nausea strikes.

So far, I have also been trying to eat lighter meals to avoid the “over-full” cravings that strike after a large meal. Last night though, I was out with some friends having an amazing time and a whole lot of laughs, and I lost track. It was one of those meals where you’re talking so much and having such a great time that you almost don’t even realize how much you’re eating until it hits you… that terrible, I’m over stuffed and might as well be rolled home feeling. I wanted to smoke so badly, but I didn’t!

Once I got home and was lying in bed, I got that unbearable restless feeling that comes from the anxiety. I was tossing and turning, thinking about how much I have to do to prepare for Saturday, how I should have stopped after the appetizer that evening, and wishing I could smoke and shut it all off. So instead of smoking, I did some mental math, and over the course of our relapse, Nick and I spent about $4,800 on cigarettes… YES, $4,800! Between now and the wedding, that equates to almost $2,000 saved. And if prices stayed the same over the course of a 30 year mortgage (which we know they won’t), that would be an extra $117,000! There are many obvious reasons to keep this going, but that in itself is motivation enough!

Back Again (aka Round 2)

Well, here I am…it's been just over two years since my last post, the boyfriend I spoke about last time is now my fiancé, and it’s been just over a year since our “first” cigarette. We quit for nine months and relapsed. Why? I’m not sure I can say. When people ask, I always just say “life happened”, but I’m honestly not even sure myself what that means. I was strong… correction, I AM strong, and I was happy, so I’m not sure why I caved, but no matter. The truth of the situation is that I did, and now I’m back here, on day three, to make it right.

Besides why did you start again, the other question I've been asked is why quit now? If you're thinking this, you have a point; this is one of the most stressful times I have ever encountered in my life. I've recently been promoted and am learning a new job, I'm finally a senior at DePaul, I'm planning a wedding, and I'm managing a household with a cat, a one year old puppy, and Nick (the most wonderful fiancé a girl could ask for, by the way). So, isn't now a hard time? YES, but I don't believe there is ever an easy time, and the wedding is looming. In seven short months, we will be surrounded by all the people that love us on the most wonderful day I possibly can imagine. The last thing I want is to have to take a break from all of that to go outside in my crystal white dress and put a cigarette in my mouth. I want to enjoy every second of that day, not waste it smoking.

Why am I determined to make it this time? Shortly after the wedding, I will be graduating from DePaul, and then we will probably be thinking about a new home and munchkins. This time it's a change for my life, for our future, and for our future family. Nick and I have had many conversations at length on the subject, and we both agree that this is it, it is done. Our lives will never again be controlled by this inanimate object. We are determined to succeed and not be led astray again.

I suppose I do feel like a bit of shame coming back to the blog after failing the first time, but I need it. It helped when I felt an urge before and I know it will again. Plus, life is not about being perfect, right? It's all about the mistakes we make and our ability to learn from them. As Mom used to say... "try, try again.