♫ money, money, money.... MON-EY ♫

It’s day four. That means we made it through the historically terrible day three unscathed, our bodies are free of nicotine, and the physical addiction is gone. Now it’s just the mental habit that needs to be broken!

I’ve kept a brave face this time, not being overly talkative about how difficult of a time I’m actually having, but it’s been rough. Nick is having a tough time too, and I have a lot of coworkers that smoke. Since I don’t want to deter Nick, and I don’t want to sound self-righteous,  I’ve been trying to be as chipper as possible. They’re all probably starting to wonder who this weirdo is that’s inhabited my body, but no matter, I’ll just keep talking too much and too fast, clicking my pens, and chomping away at my candy when the nausea strikes.

So far, I have also been trying to eat lighter meals to avoid the “over-full” cravings that strike after a large meal. Last night though, I was out with some friends having an amazing time and a whole lot of laughs, and I lost track. It was one of those meals where you’re talking so much and having such a great time that you almost don’t even realize how much you’re eating until it hits you… that terrible, I’m over stuffed and might as well be rolled home feeling. I wanted to smoke so badly, but I didn’t!

Once I got home and was lying in bed, I got that unbearable restless feeling that comes from the anxiety. I was tossing and turning, thinking about how much I have to do to prepare for Saturday, how I should have stopped after the appetizer that evening, and wishing I could smoke and shut it all off. So instead of smoking, I did some mental math, and over the course of our relapse, Nick and I spent about $4,800 on cigarettes… YES, $4,800! Between now and the wedding, that equates to almost $2,000 saved. And if prices stayed the same over the course of a 30 year mortgage (which we know they won’t), that would be an extra $117,000! There are many obvious reasons to keep this going, but that in itself is motivation enough!

Back Again (aka Round 2)

Well, here I am…it's been just over two years since my last post, the boyfriend I spoke about last time is now my fiancé, and it’s been just over a year since our “first” cigarette. We quit for nine months and relapsed. Why? I’m not sure I can say. When people ask, I always just say “life happened”, but I’m honestly not even sure myself what that means. I was strong… correction, I AM strong, and I was happy, so I’m not sure why I caved, but no matter. The truth of the situation is that I did, and now I’m back here, on day three, to make it right.

Besides why did you start again, the other question I've been asked is why quit now? If you're thinking this, you have a point; this is one of the most stressful times I have ever encountered in my life. I've recently been promoted and am learning a new job, I'm finally a senior at DePaul, I'm planning a wedding, and I'm managing a household with a cat, a one year old puppy, and Nick (the most wonderful fiancé a girl could ask for, by the way). So, isn't now a hard time? YES, but I don't believe there is ever an easy time, and the wedding is looming. In seven short months, we will be surrounded by all the people that love us on the most wonderful day I possibly can imagine. The last thing I want is to have to take a break from all of that to go outside in my crystal white dress and put a cigarette in my mouth. I want to enjoy every second of that day, not waste it smoking.

Why am I determined to make it this time? Shortly after the wedding, I will be graduating from DePaul, and then we will probably be thinking about a new home and munchkins. This time it's a change for my life, for our future, and for our future family. Nick and I have had many conversations at length on the subject, and we both agree that this is it, it is done. Our lives will never again be controlled by this inanimate object. We are determined to succeed and not be led astray again.

I suppose I do feel like a bit of shame coming back to the blog after failing the first time, but I need it. It helped when I felt an urge before and I know it will again. Plus, life is not about being perfect, right? It's all about the mistakes we make and our ability to learn from them. As Mom used to say... "try, try again.

 

Inspiration - Week 3

Today's Inspiration: After my back and knee are healed I want to start running again, and I don't want to be short of breath or need a smoke break... ever again.

First week of school...

Wow. So I haven’t written here in over a week, and may I say it’s been quite the week to say the least.

I’m officially a DePaul student! School is in full swing as of 7 days ago!! Wait... didn't I last blog 8 days ago... correlation? Seriously though, school is definitely fun, but it’s definitely on the stressful side as well. I want to make sure I do well and find the time to give it my all. Problem is, finding time has not exactly been my strong suit lately, hence the lack of writing here. Also, I think my cross-stitch may be collecting dust.

I’m still in physical therapy 2 nights a week and now that my back is getting better I have injured my knee. It’s been getting worse each day to the point today where I can’t bend or straighten it without cringing. The therapist is bugging me to go see the doctor, but I just can’t seem to find the time…. I know…. I need to.  

Nick has softball on Tuesdays and football on Sundays. I feel I need to go to in order to be supportive, plus it’s really my only recreation time and I love watching him. I can’t give that up and dread the thought that if I get any more overwhelmed that’s what’s going to have to go.

To top all that off I have a friend that needs me, lots. This friend is going through some really tough stuff right now and I need to be there for her as much as humanly possible. She needs me and would drop everything for me if I needed her; she is DEFINITELY one of the siblings God forgot to give me. So, I’m not complaining at all, but I’m spending about 3 nights a week with her as well.

If you’ve followed along and done the math you’ll have realized that I currently have about 1 night a week to myself and weekend days (minus football) plus an hour here hour there to do my schoolwork. I feel a little like my head is spinning and I am ALWAYS on the go, but such is life, feast or famine as they say. Right now it’s like a nine course meal... just chugging along and waiting to find out what the next curve ball will be.

Great news though? No one knows this yet, but I took myself off of Chantix 2 days ago. I couldn’t handle the nausea anymore and needed my sleep to be more regulated. I felt like I could handle it on my own from this point on and I was right… I FEEL LIKE A NON SMOKER! I even offered to hold a friend’s cigarette yesterday so she could climb down from the bleachers and had to think twice about it when she looked at me like “nice try”. The thought of smoking it hadn’t even crossed my mind!!!

Day 9 - Inspiration

Today's Inspiration: I want to be able to enjoy the winter... from inside with a cup of cocoa... not standing out in it freezing, unless it's by choice to build a snowman of course.

Feeling Positive

Here it is, day 9, we're through a full work week, two extended car rides, and a long weekend at the lake... SUCCESSFULLY! I am So proud of our progress and couldn't be happier. It didn't happen without difficulties and it wasn't easy, but we've made it this far. I am still not feeling so great and still not getting the best sleep in the world, but just knowing that the worst is behind us and it's only going to get better from here is an unbelievable and wonderful thing.

I am starting to notice things taste and smell better, and I'm even noticing my breathing starting to improve. On Saturday, 9 hours after I put perfume on, Nick actually told me I smelled nice. It might sound silly, but it was SO great! It's wonderful to get in my car and have it feel clean rather than stuffy and for my mouth to still feel fresh from toothpaste when I get to work. The positive changes are keeping me going. I can't wait to enjoy the fall this year. I know that once my sleeping gets back to normal I'm going to have SO much more energy than I did before quitting. I want to really breathe in the crisp fall air, go to the pumpkin patch, walk the arboretum, enjoy an october fest, and go to a haunted house. I can't wait to do things this year that take a few hours without having to take a break or sneak out the side.

There are still quite a few difficult parts of this journey I have yet to face, but I know I can do it. I know Nick and I can do it together.

Inspiration: Days 5-8

This weekend's inspiration: I NEVER again want to feel that ashamed feeling when I stand up and a friend or family member asks where I'm going or what I'm up to.