Thursday, September 16, 2010
Inspiration - Week 3
Today's Inspiration: After my back and knee are healed I want to start running again, and I don't want to be short of breath or need a smoke break... ever again.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
First week of school...
Wow. So I haven’t written here in over a week, and may I say it’s been quite the week to say the least.
I’m officially a DePaul student! School is in full swing as of 7 days ago!! Wait... didn't I last blog 8 days ago... correlation? Seriously though, school is definitely fun, but it’s definitely on the stressful side as well. I want to make sure I do well and find the time to give it my all. Problem is, finding time has not exactly been my strong suit lately, hence the lack of writing here. Also, I think my cross-stitch may be collecting dust.
I’m still in physical therapy 2 nights a week and now that my back is getting better I have injured my knee. It’s been getting worse each day to the point today where I can’t bend or straighten it without cringing. The therapist is bugging me to go see the doctor, but I just can’t seem to find the time…. I know…. I need to.
Nick has softball on Tuesdays and football on Sundays. I feel I need to go to in order to be supportive, plus it’s really my only recreation time and I love watching him. I can’t give that up and dread the thought that if I get any more overwhelmed that’s what’s going to have to go.
To top all that off I have a friend that needs me, lots. This friend is going through some really tough stuff right now and I need to be there for her as much as humanly possible. She needs me and would drop everything for me if I needed her; she is DEFINITELY one of the siblings God forgot to give me. So, I’m not complaining at all, but I’m spending about 3 nights a week with her as well.
If you’ve followed along and done the math you’ll have realized that I currently have about 1 night a week to myself and weekend days (minus football) plus an hour here hour there to do my schoolwork. I feel a little like my head is spinning and I am ALWAYS on the go, but such is life, feast or famine as they say. Right now it’s like a nine course meal... just chugging along and waiting to find out what the next curve ball will be.
Great news though? No one knows this yet, but I took myself off of Chantix 2 days ago. I couldn’t handle the nausea anymore and needed my sleep to be more regulated. I felt like I could handle it on my own from this point on and I was right… I FEEL LIKE A NON SMOKER! I even offered to hold a friend’s cigarette yesterday so she could climb down from the bleachers and had to think twice about it when she looked at me like “nice try”. The thought of smoking it hadn’t even crossed my mind!!!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 9 - Inspiration
Today's Inspiration: I want to be able to enjoy the winter... from inside with a cup of cocoa... not standing out in it freezing, unless it's by choice to build a snowman of course.
Feeling Positive
Here it is, day 9, we're through a full work week, two extended car rides, and a long weekend at the lake... SUCCESSFULLY! I am So proud of our progress and couldn't be happier. It didn't happen without difficulties and it wasn't easy, but we've made it this far. I am still not feeling so great and still not getting the best sleep in the world, but just knowing that the worst is behind us and it's only going to get better from here is an unbelievable and wonderful thing.
I am starting to notice things taste and smell better, and I'm even noticing my breathing starting to improve. On Saturday, 9 hours after I put perfume on, Nick actually told me I smelled nice. It might sound silly, but it was SO great! It's wonderful to get in my car and have it feel clean rather than stuffy and for my mouth to still feel fresh from toothpaste when I get to work. The positive changes are keeping me going. I can't wait to enjoy the fall this year. I know that once my sleeping gets back to normal I'm going to have SO much more energy than I did before quitting. I want to really breathe in the crisp fall air, go to the pumpkin patch, walk the arboretum, enjoy an october fest, and go to a haunted house. I can't wait to do things this year that take a few hours without having to take a break or sneak out the side.
There are still quite a few difficult parts of this journey I have yet to face, but I know I can do it. I know Nick and I can do it together.
I am starting to notice things taste and smell better, and I'm even noticing my breathing starting to improve. On Saturday, 9 hours after I put perfume on, Nick actually told me I smelled nice. It might sound silly, but it was SO great! It's wonderful to get in my car and have it feel clean rather than stuffy and for my mouth to still feel fresh from toothpaste when I get to work. The positive changes are keeping me going. I can't wait to enjoy the fall this year. I know that once my sleeping gets back to normal I'm going to have SO much more energy than I did before quitting. I want to really breathe in the crisp fall air, go to the pumpkin patch, walk the arboretum, enjoy an october fest, and go to a haunted house. I can't wait to do things this year that take a few hours without having to take a break or sneak out the side.
There are still quite a few difficult parts of this journey I have yet to face, but I know I can do it. I know Nick and I can do it together.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Inspiration: Days 5-8
This weekend's inspiration: I NEVER again want to feel that ashamed feeling when I stand up and a friend or family member asks where I'm going or what I'm up to.
Restlessness
Apparently something not well known is that quitting can cause serious bouts of restlessness. This has become a major issue for me over the last 3 nights. At first I thought it might be the anxiety or increased emotion causing my inability to sleep, but after a bit of research I found that it tends to simply be a side effect of nicotine withdrawal, one that can last up to three months. So now that the days are going pretty smoothly the nights are almost unbearable.
If you've ever been sleep deprived you know what this can do to a person's body. I'm starting to feel light-headed, nauseous, heavy-eyed, and cranky. This pretty much sucks.
I'm looking forward to a nice (and hopefully relaxing) weekend at the lake though, there couldn't be a better time for a long weekend. I need it, we both do. I can't wait to sit on the pier and read or cross-stitch for 4 days next to the most wonderful man I've ever known. Thank God. On a sad note this blog will most likely go untouched until next Tuesday, have a fantastic holiday!
If you've ever been sleep deprived you know what this can do to a person's body. I'm starting to feel light-headed, nauseous, heavy-eyed, and cranky. This pretty much sucks.
I'm looking forward to a nice (and hopefully relaxing) weekend at the lake though, there couldn't be a better time for a long weekend. I need it, we both do. I can't wait to sit on the pier and read or cross-stitch for 4 days next to the most wonderful man I've ever known. Thank God. On a sad note this blog will most likely go untouched until next Tuesday, have a fantastic holiday!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 4 - Inspiration
Today's Inspiration: When I wake up on a lazy Sunday morning I really want to be able to stay in bed and enjoy it for a while.
Finding ways to stay busy
So yesterday was a fantastic day for me. I've learned that the key for me is staying busy, I mean really really busy. Just watching TV or a movie doesn't work. My hands AND my brain need to be occupied at all times. I'm a busy bee normally, so the increase in energy combined with this new found love of constantly doing something excites me. There is a world of crafts and all kinds of whatnot I have never even delved into. YAY!
After a great day at work I decided to stop at the craft store. This can be a very dangerous thing for me, so I took a friend. I have found it imperative that I use the buddy system at the craft store, not that I don't absolutely love what I come home with (usually cake tools), but my wallet generally isn't too happy with me afterwards, good thing I'm going to have an extra $150 in spending money each month now!!!
After spending nearly an hour in the craft store I decided on cross-stitch. I've attempted this before, but last time I chose an "easy" design. This time I was feeling adventurous and went all out with a difficult one (picture below). Once I got it home and out of the package I realized that this should keep me occupied for a good long while.
After a great day at work I decided to stop at the craft store. This can be a very dangerous thing for me, so I took a friend. I have found it imperative that I use the buddy system at the craft store, not that I don't absolutely love what I come home with (usually cake tools), but my wallet generally isn't too happy with me afterwards, good thing I'm going to have an extra $150 in spending money each month now!!!
After spending nearly an hour in the craft store I decided on cross-stitch. I've attempted this before, but last time I chose an "easy" design. This time I was feeling adventurous and went all out with a difficult one (picture below). Once I got it home and out of the package I realized that this should keep me occupied for a good long while.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 3 – Inspiration
Today's Inspiration: When I am feeling emotional or angry I want it to be because of something in my life, not because of a foreign object's control.
60 Hours and counting
Cry
-verb (used without object)
To utter inarticulate sounds, esp. of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears.
This became an important definition for me last night. The day went well, no real problems. The cravings were there, but I found ways to manage them and distract myself. After work, Nick and I went out for the first time together since the quit, and unfortunately the night didn’t go as well as I had hoped.
Nick’s softball team suffered an unfortunate loss during which I was really lucky to have a friend close by to talk to. I know that to a non-smoker a softball game seems rather harmless, but it’s quite the opposite; it’s stressful wanting your team to win so badly and being outside where you know that, if you wanted to, you could “light-up”. We both made it through the softball game unscathed, but we are dealing with the quit in very different ways, and the tension was starting to rise a bit.
Since an argument was what caused our quit to fail the last 2 times I decided to try to make light of the situation and on the way to dinner we managed to have quite a laugh together over a purple envelope. I realize I will not be able to explain it so I won’t try, but it still makes me smile. It was nice to release in that way; to be really happy just sitting next to each other laughing. Dinner went well, but it was the heaviest meal I’d consumed since Monday and gave me a pretty strong urge.
The car ride home is where it started. I won’t get into the details of it here as I’d like it to remain personal, and quite frankly I just don’t want to talk about it, but the tension broke. Nick and I got into it… pretty badly. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but the pressure and the emotion got away from me. To be honest I don’t even remember much of why we were arguing. Silly things mostly, it was the nicotine talking. After he dropped me off at home I cried. I cried and cried and cried some more, I wanted to smoke SO badly, but I didn’t. Instead I picked up the phone and called a friend. One of the greatest friends I have, this friend left their friends and the bar they were at just to spend a half an hour talking to me and calming me down.
After Nick and I both calmed down a bit we talked, both apologized and accepted the fact that we were both equally at fault for the blow-out and I cried some more. One thing I learned last night after all the crying and after reading the definition that began this post, it's okay to admit that I'm suffering. This is a difficult journey and I don't have to pretend like it's not. I'm strong for getting through it and committing to it, it's okay to be honest about it.
Although Nick may be going through this in different ways, he showed me last night that I'm not going through it alone. I honestly wish I could put into words how much I love him, but I don’t think that’s even possible. He is my rock and we WILL get through this together, for our future. Going forward, now that we understand the different ways we are dealing with this, we will lean on each other. I’m not kidding myself and thinking we won’t argue again during this process, but at least now we’ll be able to recognize it as the nicotine and not our relationship that’s volatile.
-verb (used without object)
To utter inarticulate sounds, esp. of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears.
This became an important definition for me last night. The day went well, no real problems. The cravings were there, but I found ways to manage them and distract myself. After work, Nick and I went out for the first time together since the quit, and unfortunately the night didn’t go as well as I had hoped.
Nick’s softball team suffered an unfortunate loss during which I was really lucky to have a friend close by to talk to. I know that to a non-smoker a softball game seems rather harmless, but it’s quite the opposite; it’s stressful wanting your team to win so badly and being outside where you know that, if you wanted to, you could “light-up”. We both made it through the softball game unscathed, but we are dealing with the quit in very different ways, and the tension was starting to rise a bit.
Since an argument was what caused our quit to fail the last 2 times I decided to try to make light of the situation and on the way to dinner we managed to have quite a laugh together over a purple envelope. I realize I will not be able to explain it so I won’t try, but it still makes me smile. It was nice to release in that way; to be really happy just sitting next to each other laughing. Dinner went well, but it was the heaviest meal I’d consumed since Monday and gave me a pretty strong urge.
The car ride home is where it started. I won’t get into the details of it here as I’d like it to remain personal, and quite frankly I just don’t want to talk about it, but the tension broke. Nick and I got into it… pretty badly. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but the pressure and the emotion got away from me. To be honest I don’t even remember much of why we were arguing. Silly things mostly, it was the nicotine talking. After he dropped me off at home I cried. I cried and cried and cried some more, I wanted to smoke SO badly, but I didn’t. Instead I picked up the phone and called a friend. One of the greatest friends I have, this friend left their friends and the bar they were at just to spend a half an hour talking to me and calming me down.
After Nick and I both calmed down a bit we talked, both apologized and accepted the fact that we were both equally at fault for the blow-out and I cried some more. One thing I learned last night after all the crying and after reading the definition that began this post, it's okay to admit that I'm suffering. This is a difficult journey and I don't have to pretend like it's not. I'm strong for getting through it and committing to it, it's okay to be honest about it.
Although Nick may be going through this in different ways, he showed me last night that I'm not going through it alone. I honestly wish I could put into words how much I love him, but I don’t think that’s even possible. He is my rock and we WILL get through this together, for our future. Going forward, now that we understand the different ways we are dealing with this, we will lean on each other. I’m not kidding myself and thinking we won’t argue again during this process, but at least now we’ll be able to recognize it as the nicotine and not our relationship that’s volatile.
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