I’ve kept a brave face this time, not being overly talkative
about how difficult of a time I’m actually having, but it’s been rough. Nick is
having a tough time too, and I have a lot of coworkers that smoke. Since I
don’t want to deter Nick, and I don’t want to sound self-righteous, I’ve been trying to
be as chipper as possible. They’re all probably starting to wonder who this
weirdo is that’s inhabited my body, but no matter, I’ll just keep talking too
much and too fast, clicking my pens, and chomping away at my candy when the nausea
strikes.
So far, I have also been trying to eat lighter meals to
avoid the “over-full” cravings that strike after a large meal. Last night
though, I was out with some friends having an amazing time and a whole lot of
laughs, and I lost track. It was one of those meals where you’re talking so
much and having such a great time that you almost don’t even realize how much
you’re eating until it hits you… that terrible, I’m over stuffed and might as
well be rolled home feeling. I wanted to smoke so badly, but I didn’t!
Once I got home and was lying in bed, I got that unbearable
restless feeling that comes from the anxiety. I was tossing and turning,
thinking about how much I have to do to prepare for Saturday, how I should have
stopped after the appetizer that evening, and wishing I could smoke and shut it
all off. So instead of smoking, I did some mental math, and over the course of
our relapse, Nick and I spent about $4,800 on cigarettes… YES, $4,800! Between
now and the wedding, that equates to almost $2,000 saved. And if prices stayed
the same over the course of a 30 year mortgage (which we know they won’t), that
would be an extra $117,000! There are many obvious reasons to keep this going,
but that in itself is motivation enough!
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